Spelunker's World

Pass me by

Several months ago, Entertainment Weekly had a feature collaboration between all their writers where they fess up to pop cultural elements that they just don't like or fully appreciate. Some copped to have never seen a Star Wars movie of any variety. Another admitted to not really liking The Godfather. Someone else even slipped in that they'd never managed to see an episode of The Simpsons. (That one seems really difficult to me, but people's evasive techniques work astonishingly well if you put your mind to it.) Despite having a life long affinity for pop culture, there are aspects of it that I desperately avoid as well or just plain do not understand the appeal of.

1. Myspace



Possibly it's an age thing, but I'm not willing to solely chalk it up to that. Plenty of people older than me log on to myspace every day and interact with the world. There are a myriad reasons why I can't deal with myspace: First of all, it's like 1997 all over again in terms of web page design aesthetics. Yes, there are different templates that people can choose, but by and large, myspace is an ugly call back to the primitive era of online design.

Secondly, I don't want anyone from my past trolling through social networking sites and looking me up. I really don't. I don't need a special online connection. There are a handful of peeps from high school and college that I keep in touch with and they know where I am. If I don't currently keep in touch with someone it pretty much means I don't want to. More than that, I don't want to be "friended" by someone who then, in turn, "friends" a million other people from my past that I don't want to pretend to converse with. If you know me, you have my phone number. Call me. Or email me. I love to IM with people. But don't just create some goofy online facade and link to me. I couldn't be less interested.

Lastly, it's too freakishly public. I don't want to see your photos displayed like that. I don't want to scroll down and read public conversations between you and god knows who else that feels like leaving a public message. I don't want to log-in and read of all the new developments of every single person that you've "friended" and now somehow I've "friended."

I guess I just don't like you. Leave me alone.


2. Harry Potter



I've tried, I really have. Obviously there are no shortage of adults that have delved into the writings of JK Rowling and love it every much as their kids do. I couldn't get into the first book and have made myself sit through 2 movies; one I voluntarily paid for, the other I caught pieces of while on a plane. Stephen Fry is one of my favorite people on the planet and he reads the audiobooks for the British distribution and still I can't make myself get through it. (Although that actually speaks to a larger problem regarding audiobooks in general and my ability to process them.)

When the last book came out with all the hoopla surrounding it, I purposely went to Target and read the epilogue. I wanted to be armed with that knowledge of how the whole thing ends, regardless of not knowing anything in between because I wanted to cut off all conversations to the quick. My own version of a Mexican stand-off: don't talk Harry Potter to me unless you want me to ruin the ending for you.

In the meantime were thousands of people clutching that last book in public. You'd see them pulling all nighters in coffee shops or taking time off work to finish or locking themselves in seclusion until they had powered through. Honestly! I read as voraciously as anyone but I do have some standards and some limits. Then again, I'm rarely reading the exact same thing at the exact same time that everyone else on the planet is, so I'm never really racing against the spoiler clock.

There are still 2 more movies to go before the collection of worst children actors of all time shuffle off the stage forever. I predict that most of them will never again find work in the movies.

3. Radiohead




Reading rock critics, I always get the sense that this is the band that I'm supposed to like. They represent a modern generation of technology and social alienation; they boldly experiment with instrumentation in combination with the lead singer's falsetto stylings. They're musical geniuses. Yada yada yada. Perhaps they are musical geniuses. I can't argue that they're not. I can only say that I just don't understand the appeal. Back in the early days I really liked Creep but apparently that's the one song the band themselves hated and tried desperately not to replicate. In later years I liked High and Dry but find that very much the exception, not the rule.

Everytime a new album comes out, it's proclaimed as an artistic breakthrough and the sound of a generation. OK Computer and Kid A are often singled out as definitive modern classics. Last year, In Rainbows released and I snatched it immediately from work and began scrolling through the titles, finding nothing I could deem enjoyably listenable.

I'm sure it's just me.


4. American Idol




There's not enough foul words in the English language to adequately convey how execrable I find this show to be. That overwhelmingly negative attitude actually extends to all reality television shows in general, but there's a special spot in hell awaiting American Idol. Why? First of all, it's crappy karaoke. But mostly because once the laughing stock exercises are phased out, the "winners" end up flooding the market with the most awful pop albums imaginable, all suffering from the same "hastily thrown together" lack of quality and artistic identity. The music industry is then forced to seriously consider these releases and slot actual programming time to them for their brief 15 minutes of undeserved fame.

I'm probably more appalled at the sheer millions of people who actually vote for these competitors. That's it a rigged vote, I have no doubt, but more people text in to choose their favorite karaoke star than consider a vote for president.

I hate that new and more expansive music libraries are open to the competitors to sing from. It's appalling that "entertainment" means watching someone forget the lyrics to the Beatles tracks they're already shitting all over. I hate even more that legitimate artists lend themselves and their brand to this inane competition all in the name of cross-promotional marketing.

Most of all, it's absolutely criminal that, through the sheer fact of being alive, I'm forced to know who Blake Lewis is. Horrible.


5. "Leisure Sports"




In this category falls bowling, pool, darts, shuffleboard, foosball and any other "sport" that generally takes place in a bar or otherwise low overhead lighting facility. It matters not that I'm not good at any of these activites more that they simply bore me. Unfortunately, bowling is always the suggested activity for group outings, particularly work group outings. Last year's company Christmas party--which actually didn't happen until April (this year's hasn't happened at all)--was at a bowling alley in Renton. I can be counted on to perhaps enjoy a frame or two of bowling. Any more than that and my fingers start hurting and I zone out completely, hoping beyond hope that the game ends as quickly as possible. I'll even start deliberately throwing gutter balls to move the process along.

If I have a pool stick in hand, I can generally find a "zone" that exists briefly between drink #1 and drink #2. I then have a run of about 3 or 4 great shots that makes me look like a wizard of the game. But inevitably the bubble bursts and I'm missing every shot in sight which only succeeds in dragging out the game to intolerable lengths. I do not deny that there is a high degree in skill in mastering these "sports" but there is no amount of money that I can be paid to sit around actually trying to do so. It's a social disadvantage now that bowling as become the new urban chic again. Years ago, when I moved to England, my dad bought my me own personal set of darts, complete with a carry pouch that connected to your belt. There was simply no polite way to say this is the most godawful gift imaginable and just because I like pubs doesn't mean I plan on indulging in the absurd pastime of throwing pointy, sticky things at a target. So I let it pass. And continue to pass right on by any dartboard put in my way.

Give me a ball, a glove, a bat, a racquet, some cleats, an open road, wheels, a frisbee and I'm all over it. If the sport makes me sweat, I enjoy it. If it's physically exerting, bring it on. If it requires more than one beer for me to even remotely engage myself, no thank you. Save those "sports" for the couch potatoes.

posted by kat @ 5/21/2008 06:51:00 PM